| hahaha i forgot about livejournal! |
[Mar. 31st, 2008|10:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  high | ] |
How did i end up back on this? I thought this didn't even exist anymore. i thought i deleted it. hahaha |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 23rd, 2005|01:24 pm] |
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i feel sick and i want to die... but i know i have to live |
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| life is easy when you don't know what you want... it's supposed to be hard |
[Sep. 26th, 2005|12:07 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  peaceful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | weezer | ] |
"Falling For You"
Holy cow! I think I've got one here
Now just what am I supposed to do?
I've got a number of irrational fears
That I'd like to share with you
First, there's rules about old goats like me
Hanging around with chicks like you
But I do like you and another one:
You say 'like' too much
But I'm shaking at your touch
I like you way too much
My baby, I'm afraid I'm falling for you
And I'd do about anything to get the hell out alive
Or maybe I would rather settle down with you
Holy moly, baby, wouldn't you know it?
Just as I was busting loose
I gotta go turn in my rock star card
And get fat and old with you
Cos I'm a burning a candle you're a gentle moth
Teaching me to lick a little bit kinder
And I do like you - you're the lucky one
No, I'm the lucky one
I'm shaking at your touch
I like you way too much
My baby, I'm afraid I'm falling for you
And I'd do about anything to get the hell out alive
Or maybe I would rather settle down with you
Holy sweet goddamn! You left your cello in the basement
I admired the glowing the stars
And tried to play a tune
I can't believe how bad I suck, it's true
What could you possibly see in little ol' 3 chord me?
But I do like you and you like me too
I'm ready, let's do it baby
I'm shaking at your touch
I like you way too much
My baby, I'm afraid I'm falling for you
And I'd do about anything to get the hell out alive
Or maybe I would rather settle down with you
i kept thinking about this song today while i was doing my homework. i kept thinking about how i wanted life to be easy because it was getting too hard with all of these decisions i had to make. i started getting ultra selfish because i thought in order to be happy, i had to do whatever it was i felt like doing at that exact moment. in that, i left all of my passion behind... everything that i was passionate about was something i had to work hard for and i wasn't about to do that. i couldn't figure out why i have been so passive and flat lately. i couldn't figure out why the only way i could have fun was when i was getting attention from people i didn't know. it was exactly that... they didn't know me... they didn't know how much i hated myself... chris did. who would i be if i let him suffer through that? come to find out he wants to suffer through it (or at least i think he does). that stops everything. after an entire weekend of honesty, the truth is bound to come out. i didn't want to look at it before. why wasn't i doing anything different if i didn't like myself? how could i not realize that i kept hating myself more each day because i felt like i was weak and immature. why was i doing all the things that were making matters worse? i think it was to feel better at the time. i need to be a big girl now. i want to be strong, i want to have pride and i want respect. i miss respect so much. i want to go back to having dignity and i want to feel powerful. i want to be back in control of my life and i want to do it with you. life is a hard game and i want to be in the big league. if i'm going to make it, i've got to learn how to swing at a pitch before i can hit it. |
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| entry worthy night |
[Sep. 4th, 2005|02:50 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  euphoric | ] |
| [ | music |
| | green day still ringing in my ears | ] |
i haven't written in forever, i know... and i am tired too, so it'll be short. i just got back from seeing green day at foxboro stadium. i was front and center, hanging over the bar, looking billy joe armstrong right in the eye. it still hasn't hit me how amazing that was. to actually be that close to him was surreal... i can't even believe it... i am such a teeny bopper. i didn't know i could ever feel that way around a rock star. it never felt that way before when i went to see bands i liked. i have so many pictures that i will show later but i'm on my uncle's computer right now. i have no voice. billy joe had so much control over the audience. he said jump and we jumped, we didn't even think to ask how high. tonight was one of the best nights of my life. you can call me pathetic... i think it was so great because i've loved that band since middle school and i never saw them... the tension was building up and i finally got to see them and i exploded with excitment. i keep playing parts of the show over in my head... i'll never forget tonight
I LOVE GREEN DAY! |
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| what a shame |
[Jul. 21st, 2005|02:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | construction outside the library | ] |
something terrible happened to me yesterday. my bike got stolen while i was at class. it makes me very sad for many reasons. it makes me sad because i loved that bike. it was like an extension of my body, i went everywhere with it. i love mountainbiking so i used it for fun, but i also used it as a mode of transportation. i felt so comfortable with that bike. it was like a pet to me, or a good pair of shoes. it hurts to know i'll never ride it again. it was my friend. i worked on that bike. i changed the tires when they were flat, i fixed the breaks when they weren't working. i hate the bastard who stole it from me. it upsets me that there are people like that. they didn't even care about my bike. they didn't care that it hurt me that they took it. they wont care if it ends up in a million pieces. i am depressed today and i feel bad because it is such a nice day out and i feel bad for feeling bad because london got bombed again and at least it isn't like that here in boston.
even though that bike has a lot of sentimental value to me, it is being replaced by a "better" bike. technically better, but i don't know if i'll like it as much. i will miss it very much. |
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| i lost my wisdom |
[Jul. 2nd, 2005|02:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  numb | ] |
| [ | music |
| | pulling teeth by green day (totally appropriate) | ] |
so i got my wisdom teeth out yesterday and it wasn't that bad at all. i fell right asleep. i wasn't awake for any of it. i kind of wanted to see what it was like to be partially sedated... oh well. i am on vikodin now even though i was in hardly any pain. i figured i'd see what it felt like... nothing. i just feel a little tired and my eyes got kinda watery... that might have been from watching john play video games for hours, though... so anyways, my last operation was right before the fourth of july, too. go me. i'm sure i'll be fine by then, though. so, guess what i had for breakfast this morning... FREEZE POPS! oh yeah, you're so jealous. all for now, dudes |
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| stuck with me |
[Jun. 21st, 2005|11:06 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | eh? | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | okay | ] |
i feel bad for anyone who is stuck with me... chris, my mom, even myself. we're all stuck with me and this attitude i have...i don't like it, and neither do you, so i'm trying to change. i'm going to think really hard before everything i do, no matter how much time it takes me... i am sure it will get easier eventually. i am just sick of making myself and others upset when it isn't necessary. so, i'm turning over a new leaf. take it or leave it. (wakka wakka) oh dear... anyways, seriously... i'm not taking anything for granted anymore. i realized that i've been hurting the two people i love most in the world and they don't deserve that kind of treatment. i've been in a bad frame lately, but i'm trying to break out of it. so hopefully nobody will feel like they're stuck with me anymore... |
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| missing |
[May. 24th, 2005|12:07 am] |
nobody will hear me
i'm in a bubble
that's getting foggier
soon it'll turn to glass
and i'll be stuck forever |
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| the more you learn, the less you know |
[May. 18th, 2005|11:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
to all of you who think i'm smart,
i was overwhelmed this semester. it's over and i barely made it out alive. i can't do everything, i'm really not that smart. i BARELY made acceptable grades this semester, i probably blew my chances at a respectable grad school... i was telling you people i wasn't going to do well, but nobody listened. i was so depressed this semester. i did too much. i'm not working next year... no no no... maybe i'll tutor, but that's it... anyways... i've been thinking a lot about a lot lately. it's a luxury, really, to have the free time to think about what i want to think about, even though i shouldn't. i should be studying vocabulary flash cards for the GRE. i was talking to my mom in the car tonight... it's happening again... i am not sure what i want to do with myself. my mind is all over the place. i'm not sure what i want to do or who i want to be, or where i want to be. i don't know if i want to be stuck in a lab doing research for the rest of my life... i was thinking of just going to grad school anyways and i'll find out there... then, maybe go to med school but who knows if i could do that. i know i sound pathetic... i have really low self-esteem right now. i feel like i let others influence me way too much. other people are shaping my identity for me and that is why i keep having second thoughts. i need to not listen to anyone, really... especially my adviser.
i am a rising senior at a private four year college and do you know what i now realize college is worth?? NOTHING... absolutely nothing. if i don't go to grad school or med school, i'm going to be a pathetic loser with a meaningless job... uuh... four years? where did they go? i guess all college is good for is to show your skills for grad school... isn't everything just a way to prepare you for the next step? when does it end? or does it ever? when do you sit down at the end of the day and say to yourself that you're satisfied with your life? that you've achieved your goals and that you are happy? does that ever happen? is everything ever going to fall into place for me or am i going to go to grad school, hate research, try to go to med school, be an intern, find out i hate it, be influenced to do something else that seems like a good idea at the time and eventually hate it... aaah... =( so maybe my spontaneity i take so much pride in is the root of my frustration... maybe incorporating everything that is ever said, every opinion that is ever expressed is a huge waste of time, rather than a way of compiling data to come out with the best answer... maybe i need to somehow block it all out... ALL OF IT and everyone just for a while... like meditate or something and find out what i really want to do... who i really am... what my purpose is... then maybe, just maybe i'll take one step all on my own towards that feeling... whatever it is |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 16th, 2005|02:11 pm] |
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last night... chris and i found a cure for hiccups |
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